Hello again!

What should i say?
How can i begin after such a long absence?
Simply with...hello again old friend!

How funny that my online diary should be so greatly missed, but it has been!

So,...my life. It's sad to realize that all of my aspirations to be better today than i was yesterday have somehow failed me. I came back to you and read all the words that i poured into you. Words of hope and longing. Here i am again dear diary, with hope and longing carving at my bones.

I have hit a low these past few days...period induced no doubt. But hateful of my own skin, i have the same thoughts i've been visited by for years. Sad that so many minutes of so many days should be filled with self deprecating thoughts. I do try to think before i speak them now though.
Enough of that.

Longing for Freedom
Caged by Dreams of escaping
Hiding from Thoughts of disappearing
Loathing the act of being Sedentary
Customary silences deafening the ear
Mind running...
...churning...
...needing...
...wanting...
...fearing...
...angry...
...horny...
...hurting...
...planning...
...regretting...

I've always said that i want to die without regrets...
...but i find that today, i live with regrets.
How can i end a life without regrets, if i spend my days entrenched in them?

Painting....planning on it.
What holds me back?
What always makes a dream, craving or need difficult to full fill?
Money and time.

I'm being infected by the hatred of my work.
I don't hate my job.
I just hate working at it.
How tiresome to sit and stretch out a couple of hours of work into an entire day!
Daily!
Every fucking day!
I long for the days when i can be so stressed and swamped with work that my head hurts.
Mainly i hate having time to think.
Thinking makes me crazy.
Thinking makes me angry.
Thinking reminds me of my faults.
Thinking reminds me that i'm not living to my fullest!

What's to be done?
Paint
Paint till it hurts.
Sell my pains and live my life on my terms and at my own pace.
So what's stopping me.
Money and time.

How cruel life can be when all you want is to live it happily and without responsibility.

Enough with this post right now. Mind is wondering in directions that i want to remove it from. So, goodbye for now. I'll be back.