What do you want to change about you?
I've always had those little annoyances that have haunted me. Like biting my nails or not eating right. Blah blah blah. But I also have those things that I know I should change. That I need to change inorder to be more centered. Trust being one of them. As a child you trust almost anyone who will smile at you. As a young woman that mentalitly of trusting blindly followed me into my relationships with men (boys really). Then there are those people who you are supposed to trust without even a second thought, your mom, your dad. The sad thing is, that that expected trust doesn't really mean that those people truly know you. I mean sure they have a general idea of who you are, but really knowing you is sort of impossible. For the rest of your life you will be their little girl or little boy. As I've said in a previous post, I hid a big part of myself from my parents for a great deal of my life.
As I've moved deeper into adulthood, I've discovered varying degrees of trust. There is that very select group of individualls who I trust with my deepest darkest secrets. Then there are those who know me pretty well, but who still don't really know my secret heart. Then there are those who get the, for lack of a better phrase, "I'm at work Norma". =D lol It's funny, I never realised how important trust was until I wanted to be trusted.
Something else that is essential as an adult for ultimate growth and balance, as I deem it, is honesty. I posted previously that I was going to try my damndest to be honest when needed, which is always. :) You should know though that I failed in that task no more than a day after proclaiming that to be my goal. It was a horrible fucking day as a result. I couldn't believe that I hadn't said everything that I needed to. To be quite honest, I did speak up. Not quickly enough though, and not with enough detail. The hard part about honesty is learning what to keep to yourself and what can or should be shared. Because as you become friends with people and those people start to trust you, their tongues slip. They say things that are from their secret hearts. Things that if they were to be shared would hurt people that you care about. Honesty is a deadly weapon when in the wrong hands. So then, when does being honesty go from being helpful and considerate to being evil and manipulative? I can't answer that. I don't even know yet. But I think I have a pretty good idea. The sad thing is that if everyone was honest with one another about what they were feeling and thinking then figuring out the answer to that question would be unnecessary. I am still trying. I want to not have the people that I love question my motives or my words. So on I forge, being honesty, and trusting. I'll get my balance. I know I will. Eventually. =D
What would you change about yourself? (And please, nothing physical...I'm looking for insight here.)
As I've moved deeper into adulthood, I've discovered varying degrees of trust. There is that very select group of individualls who I trust with my deepest darkest secrets. Then there are those who know me pretty well, but who still don't really know my secret heart. Then there are those who get the, for lack of a better phrase, "I'm at work Norma". =D lol It's funny, I never realised how important trust was until I wanted to be trusted.
Something else that is essential as an adult for ultimate growth and balance, as I deem it, is honesty. I posted previously that I was going to try my damndest to be honest when needed, which is always. :) You should know though that I failed in that task no more than a day after proclaiming that to be my goal. It was a horrible fucking day as a result. I couldn't believe that I hadn't said everything that I needed to. To be quite honest, I did speak up. Not quickly enough though, and not with enough detail. The hard part about honesty is learning what to keep to yourself and what can or should be shared. Because as you become friends with people and those people start to trust you, their tongues slip. They say things that are from their secret hearts. Things that if they were to be shared would hurt people that you care about. Honesty is a deadly weapon when in the wrong hands. So then, when does being honesty go from being helpful and considerate to being evil and manipulative? I can't answer that. I don't even know yet. But I think I have a pretty good idea. The sad thing is that if everyone was honest with one another about what they were feeling and thinking then figuring out the answer to that question would be unnecessary. I am still trying. I want to not have the people that I love question my motives or my words. So on I forge, being honesty, and trusting. I'll get my balance. I know I will. Eventually. =D
What would you change about yourself? (And please, nothing physical...I'm looking for insight here.)
posted by Neri at Wednesday, August 24, 2005
3 Comments:
Good thing to change. I know you well enough to know that you will in all likelyhood succeed in changing that. =D I'll try to help.
Weird little quirky analogy...
In software development (programming) you always have to concern yourself with interfaces, particularly when you´re trying to re-use code.
The tool you´re using is a black box, basically. You put something in and something comes out. As long as the right something comes out, it doesn´t matter how.
We really only ever know people´s interfaces. We guess at the contents of the black box and right or wrong it´s still a guess. To complicate matters, people don´t have correct or incorrect inputs and outputs, we have ¨consistency¨.
One´s concept of reliability in a person is not based strictly on whether they give the correct responses but whether they give responses in keeping with your guesswork at the internals of their black box.
Kind of a scary thing I guess...you never really know if anyone cares, you know they act like they do.
As far as changing myself? I wanna get up and do the things I read about. I have this sort of inertia that´s hard to control...¨An object at rest..¨ and all that.
=) I love the anology KT. It is extremely scary to wonder whether or not people are true. Whether or not they are meerly feigning interest and love. But for me personally, I have this stress that consumes me when I watch people interacting and I know that one of them thinks poorly of the other, and yet they (the person that is doing the bad mouthing) are treating the other individual with care. I HATE THAT!!! It drives me up the fucking wall to know that I can do nothing. It kills me to watch people being so fucking fake, that I have resorted to removing myself from being when they interact.
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