Insecurities.

As I've gotten older I've come to realise that my insecurities haven't really gone away. I mean, when I was in high school I had the same typical melodramatic fears that most teens have...."Oh God that's a huge nasty zit on my face. What will _______ think about me when he/she sees it?"..."Do my friends really like me?"...."Does ______really think that I'm cute, or are they just trying to get into my pants?"....."My teacher hates me, I just know that they are going to fail me because of it." On and on it went. I feared that I wasn't good enough or pretty enough or smart enough or wanted enough or nice enough or that I wasn't giving enough of myself to make my friends happy. And all that time I don't think that I ever really let people know me, because if I did they would just realise how unlovable I really was.

Now here I am about to turn 25 in a week and I'm still afraid. It's still hard to believe that I'm absolutely worthy of the people that I love. It's hard to hear my friends tell me that I'm pretty when all I see in the mirror are all of my faults.....blemished skin, cellulite thighs, big feet, fat belly, no ass :/ It's everything that while growing up I saw my mom freak out about. Even now she's thinner than she's ever been, and still she sees fat. I watched her go through all kinds of diet plans...dye jobs...clothing sprees to replace clothes when she'd gained/lost weight. Then to know that my sister was the beautiful one. To grow up under the shadow of a stunning mother who turned everyones head. How do I even compete with that. I've never once had someone tell me that I'm beautiful. I've had people tell me that I'm pretty, yes. But girls, I ask you, don't you feel the difference between beautiful and pretty, goregous and cute?

I don't want you to think that I'm hopeless. I mean after all I have realised that this mentality of self hatred is wrong. The question is, how do I let it go? How do I turn off all of the voices in my head telling me that I'm not good enough, that everything that has happened is my fault, that I don't really deserve to be loved or even happy for that matter? I don't know. I'm trying. Anytime someone says that I have beautiful eyes, I actually spend a couple of minutes looking at them in the mirror afterwards and repeat the words over and over again in my head. I'm trying to see it, trying to accept it, trying to know it.

I think that that's why I try so hard with my friends. If I give all of myself, then they wont see the faults...they wont dislike me for them. I don't know. I think I just need therapy. I just need to tell someone everything that has happened and have them tell me that it wasn't my fault...that I didnt' do anything wrong. Even now, I wonder if it was.